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An Ode to Forums Long Past

Or, soon to be long-past!

As this chapter of the wow forums comes to an end, with the launching of the new forums and Cataclysm, I would first like to thank all the trolls who still have failed to teach me that they cannot be taught — I remain ever optimistic. I would also like to thank the CM’s, whose sometimes funny and sometimes ignorant posts both provided for many hours of enjoyment. But mostly I’d like to thank those who created enduring classics, that I still think of fondly.

I will memorialize some of them here.

If you have some other classics that should be included, speak up in the comments and I’ll add them!


From: Warriors: Remember, Remember and used in Remember Remember the 5th of December:

“Remember, remember, the 5th of December,
The patch day treason and plot.
I see no reason, for MS and Cleavin’,
Since Tseric wants us to spec Prot.”


From RARE Blackwing Basin Stratigese (Alas, the original post has since been deleted):

u need 2 open it up with 2 rogues. u put the rogues up wehere the mobs r but not 2 close, and make sure that they r stealthed too, or the mobs will attack them

when u put the rogues there u look at the mobs. r there 2 or 5 of them? heres a graff

1 2 3 4 5
rogue rogue

so the rogue left side sapps the #1 or #2 mobs maybe both if hes lucky and the right mob sapps the #4 or #5 mobhs and then u got 1 mob left and its easier 2 fite it that way cuz u can kill 1 at a time and they cant gang up on u. example: if u fight 2 mobs its hard. but if u fight 1 mob its easy. so u fight 1 at a time until they died.


From Alamo teeches U 2 play DURID!:

bc Peeps can always ask if cat druid can B GOOD FOR FITE OR WHAT MAYBE?

U NO CAT DURIDS IS VERY STORNG! SUM PEEPS DUNNO Y SO HEAR IS LIST

1) OK now sum durid is cat
2) Cat durid, tehm dosent heel.
3) Cat uis for fite
4) Cat durid dosent talk about fite
5) when cat durid is FITE do not ask for HEEL and NINIRVATE!
and CAT DURIDS is no spam moonfare! Sum cat durids dosent no wut is uh moonfare!

(continues)


I can’t find the original post at all, but here’s a screenshot: The Best Reason to Play a Paladin in WoW:

Ive noticed a lot of complaints about paladins lately, with regards to their low dps and limited combat options. But what players are forgetting is the main reason Blizzard programmed paladins. Paladins were not designed to be hybrid tanks/healers, as many claim. Instead, paladins were designed to be played while downloading pornography.

Paladins have roughly zero amount of combat interaction, thus making them them the perfect character to play while downloading massive amounts of hardcore pornography. Simply target a monster, hit “1″, and minimize your window. Then sit back and watch amazing girl on girl action.

Because a paladin takes about one full minute to kill a monster, you can leisurely browse the erotic and pornographic fruits of the internet, without much concern over your paladins welfare. After a minute, I go back to WoW, and usually my paladin is alive and ready to loot the corpse. This is what makes grinding more pleasurable and convenient for me; the ability to simultaneously watch girls have sex with each other and level up at the same time. I doubt that any class has such an elegantly designed system, and i applaud Blizzard for their foresight in crafting a character that i can play with while playing with myself.

(continued)


Not sure if this is the original post or not — A Poem: Felguard:

I’m jealous of every Felguard
Underneith the sun
I don’t wish I had a Felguard pet, no
I wish that I WAS one.

Oh I wish I was a Felguard,
with bad teeth and spikey back
With a charge that doesn’t miss
Whenever I attack

To be able to enter combat
With a bar full of blue rage
to start shooting off specials
the very moment I engage!

To weild a mighty 2H axe
without worry of the cost
A felguard isn’t ‘normalized’
so no rage there is lost

And to fight my foes half naked
without a speck of fear
Oh to be a felguard
un-dependent on gear!

Sure I’d be a warlocks slave
won’t bother me in the least
No different than things are now
I’m shackled to a priest!

So Blizzard if you’re listening
(Yeah right, we’ve no such luck)
I wish I was a Felguard
So then I could cease to suck.


Tseric’s later-deleted rant that immediately preceded the end of his employment with Blizzard Entertainment:

When you can understand how a group of beligerent and angry posters can drive away people from this game with an uncrafted and improvisational campaign of misery and spin-doctoring, then perhaps, you can understand the decisions I make. Until you face mobs of psychology, you will not see my side.

Until you see some bright-eyed player coming onto the forums wanting to know what they should spec as this class, and see them shat on and driven away by petty and selfish people who are simply leveraging for game buffs, you will not understand.

You will not understand until you have to see it daily, for years…

Until you understand that many people will trod over you to get where they’re going, or to get what they want.

Until you understand that so many people will agree, completely, 100% with a loud, vulgar and assertive individual, not because he is right, but because he is making a stand against “the Man”; to take no critical thought in what they say, but simply to hop on board.

Until you actually try to acknowledge those who do not speak on the forums, for whatever reason they have, you will not understand.

If you think an archaic business formula like “the customer is always right” works, you fail to understand customers, not a customer. It is a collective. No one person, even myself, is truly above the whole.

I simply have the unfortunate quality of being easily singled out.


Another one I can’t find the original of, but at least I found a repost: How to kill a Warlock… REVEALED!!!:

Begin Guide:
To help you fellow players, I’ve decided to write a guide, being a warlock myself, so that more people can succefully defeat warlocks on their server.
This will be a comprehensive guide containing images, spoilers, tactics, and tips to defeat this imbalanced class.

For the purposes of this guide, I’ll assume the warlock is Soul-link specced, since it is the most imbalanced build as people say.

Preparation
You can find a SL warlock outside Ironforge or Orgrimmar, this is the place were most SL warlocks hang out.

To initiate combat, you should approach the warlock and talk to him. He will say something about how nerfed warlock were, and how they could not kill anyone in previous patches, and how they became godlike while mages are now water dispensers. After you talk to him, click DUEL to start the fight.

PHASE ONE

You should position yourself as shown in this image:

http://65millionboars.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/10/warlockguide1.jpg

The warlock will begin the fight without a pet, because he will feel too overpowered to use a pet against you. MT#1 and MT#2 should position the warlock so that his back will face the tank farther away from the Ironforge door. It is advisable for them to have at least 350 shadow resistance, and one of them should also have 250 fire resist minimum. (This is explained later). Greater Shadow Protection pots are also a good commodity, as Whipper root tubers and +50 stamina potions from the quest in Blasted Lands.

The melee DPS group (shown as YELLOW in the pic) should stay behind the warlock, near the tank farther away from the Gate. This is done because they will need to retreat behind the tank and bandage, from time to time. (Bandage spot is shown on the pic)

The rest of the raid should position as shown in the picture. It is important for the raid to have about 120-200 shadow resistance, which will help sustain the damage. Keep in mind you will need at least 2 dispellers for each debuff type, otherwise you will wipe pretty soon.

During Phase 1, the warlock will perform a series of attacks:

SHADOW BOLT: A bolt of shadow is launched every 4 seconds to the tank that has aggro, causing 1200 to 2500 shadow damage, depending on resistance. A shadow bolt will crit between 3500 and 6500 damage, again depending on the target resistance. This is where MT#2 should come into play: If a Shadowbolt crits MT#1, he will have a debuff that will increase Shadow damage by a Zillion times. This is when MT#2 should taunt the warlock to prevent MT#1 from dying. MT#1 will then do the same thing once another Shadowbolts crits MT#2.

(continues)

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